Dad's rules for dating

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the hedges is mine.

This is right on the money......

Rarely do I read something that truly resonates with me, but this does.

Macbook

So, first full day with my Macbook.  I must say, that the construction is truly amazing.  It really does feel like a rock.  Strong as heck.  However, it does feel a little on the heavy side.  Having come from a Macbook Pro, I assumed I would feel a big change in the weight, but I don't think that is so.  Still, pretty darn amazing piece of equipment so far.

School 1957 vs. 2007

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.   
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun,       goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
         and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in
         for traumatized students and teachers.  
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.
         Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
         Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
         Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
         Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state
         because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car
and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
         goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
         Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
         State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
         being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
         Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
         Car searched for drugs and weapons.  
Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.
         Newspaper articles appear nationally
         explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
         ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system
         and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
         Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up
         mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.  
Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die. < B>
2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called.
         Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
         siblings removed from home, computers confiscated;
         Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list
         and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
         She faces 3 years in State Prison.
         Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Sick

You ever actually FEEL when a cold hits you?  I sure did.  I was walking out of my car, and I could swear I felt a cold hit me.  Felt it as I took a breath in, felt it in my throat, and I've been getting sicker by the minute since.  Is this possible??

MBSR

I had tomiss my MBSR course today and I'm really bummed.

where are you

I'm sitting waiting for an appointment and I'm thinking where am I. I mean really where? Yes I'm in an office bit where is my mind? It seems that my mind is pretty much anywhere other than right here, right now. Actually, even with this realization it is difficult to focus on the right here a and right now. Try it sometime and see for yourself.

waiting

Sitting and waiting you realize how much time you literally waste thinking.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Chevy Volt

Is it possible the US auto makers actually have a leg up on the competition? The new Volt claims up to 40 miles on 100% electric regardless of speed. The engine is electric and uses a standard electrical outlet to charge or the "secondary" gas engine. That is truly enique!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

IMified

Trying out Imified, seems pretty cool

Technology & Snow

So, I am heading to the mountains tomorrow for a few days in the snow. Excited? You bet. Really excited, and I'm sure the kids are too. Interesting thing is, I'm also thinking, is there EVDO up there?

Ever Wonder

Ever Wonder?

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is
made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new and improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

New Poll - Bush has new low

New CNN/Opinion poll says Bush has only 31% of Americans approving of his handling of his job. Wow.

Obama Thinks OJ Did it

Imagine that. On Monday night's Nightline on ABC, Obama is quoted as saying "I'm somebody who was pretty clear that OJ was guilty"